Somewhere Between 32 and 33

I blinked and boom, I turned 33!  Every year I do a reflective blog post, almost like a journal entry. Birthdays are almost like New Year, it’s the perfect time to pause, reflect, and trace God’s hand. Not just the places you’ve been or milestones you’ve reached, but the person you’ve become.

I typically spend my birthday traveling and this year it was spent in Toronto, Canada. One of the most memorable days of the trip, is the birthday dinner. It is this time that I sit and reflect on the last year.

32 was full. A year of becoming. A year that I gave God the full rights to show me who I was, heal what needed attention, and lead me toward what he had prepared. Looking back, I see a year of spiritual growth marked by surrendering, uncovering, receiving, and letting go.

Surrender

Once we fully surrender to God, we let go of our plans. Completely. We may let it go kicking and screaming, but eventually, we release them. Not because they are bad, but because we trust that God sees what we cannot and has something greater in store.

 I remember praying in January, feeling like I didn’t know what I was doing. Time was passing me by, I felt like I had lost my identity and no idea how to get back on track. Then I heard the Lord clearly say, “Create the life you’ve always wanted. What are you waiting for?”

So, I pulled out my vision board and I started doing exactly that.  I began writing down the things I knew God had placed on my heart. But pursuing those dreams would require me to surrender some things first.

What did I surrender you ask?

Fear. Other people’s opinions. Pride. What I felt like defeat. My agenda. Doubt. And the limitations that I had placed on myself.

Surrender isn’t about giving God our plans in exchange for getting what we want. It’s about trusting him enough to let Him direct those plans in His timing, and His way.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Surrender isn’t meant for us to take on more weight; it’s about trusting God enough to lay our burdens down. It’s not about convincing God to give us the life we want, but trusting his direction once we take the first step in faith.

Creating the life I always wanted didn’t mean that God would give me everything I wanted. But it got me moving, strengthened my trust in Him, and it brought me right where He needed me to be.

Uncovering

This was the hard work.

I watched God reveal my heart to me paying attention to anything that led to conviction or stirred unrest within me. I knew God was doing something new, and there were things He needed to address before I could step into it.

I kept a journal -almost like a running list of moments, conversations, and instances when I felt the Lord revealing something to me. I didn’t rush past them. I sat with them. As uncomfortable as it was at times, I knew they needed attention: the shame, the hurt, the hardened heart, the pride. All of it.

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! Psalm 139:23-24

Allowing God to heal you takes honesty and openness. It means letting down the walls that you’ve built because you trust the work God wants to do on the other side.

And one thing about God is that He is patient and gracious. He doesn’t reveal what’s in us to bring shame. He brings it to the surface so it can be surrendered, addressed, and healed. He gives us the grace to face things we would rather avoid.

Healing and doing the inner work aren’t one-time moments. They consist of small realizations, uncomfortable conversations, and quiet moments with God when you can acknowledge what you’ve been carrying. I’m not saying that the work is complete, but I can acknowledge that God is working.

Looking back, I realize that God was doing more than healing the parts of me that needed attention. He was preparing my heart for what was ahead. As he worked within me, opportunities were unfolding around me. Soon, prayers I had prayed years ago become the very things I was living.

Receiving

Naturally, we like to chase what we think we should have. I have always been the type of person to work really hard for everything I wanted. But something shifted in this season. I no longer felt the need to force things. Instead, I learned to walk into what was in front of me. This dIdn’t mean I stopped showing up. I began to understand that what was meant for me didn’t have to be forced into place.

 I continued to do the work and gave 100%, but I let God do His part. There is something about having someone speak on your behalf, making the right connection for you or opening a door you might not have qualified for on paper. I did the work in front of me, trusting that He was working behind the scenes.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

It dawned on me that God is always working.  Receiving required just as much trust as surrendering and healing. I learned to be more committed to the One who opened the doors than to the doors He opened. Opportunities may change, but my commitment to God remains.

Letting Go

Letting go meant releasing my expectations and  things that no longer fit in this season. Sometimes when we let go, the load gets lighter. We feel lighter. Many of us struggle with control because we want so badly to know how things will turn out. But the truth is, we were never in control to begin with.

Maybe the timing looks different than you expected, a project had a different outcome than anticipated, a relationship has changed, or maybe your career has taken a different direction. Holding on to unmet expectations or old plans can keep us from embracing what God is doing in the present. When we spend too much time looking behind or too far ahead, we can miss what God is doing right in front of us.

Trust in the Lord with all you heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

So somewhere between 32 and 33, God shifted something in me. Through surrender, healing, receiving, and letting go, He was shaping me into the woman I needed to become.  The woman I was meant to be at 33.